The Last Phase: Part one

I have this huge lump in my throat at this point of time, Facebook has this whole thing for a ‘life event’ and I think I’m going to enter my first one in the life events column. I’m probably going to be typing mixed up sentences but this occasion is really heartfelt, not only for me but all my school friends, everyone who just went through their last phase in schooling. I cannot get myself to believe I’m done with schooling, it’s like my relationship with my school has just come to an end in just one go. And now we enter the real world, where there wouldn’t be teachers to hold our hands and make us climb the rocky mountain but it’s going to be us all by ourselves in this cold and selfish world. 

This school has taught me a lot (I was kinda hoping for a question on what the school has taught me as a part of my viva for student of the year). It has taught me that success and failure is a part of our lives, winning isn’t everything and losing does not mean the world has come to an end. Neither success nor failure is permanent; both being short-lived should be cherished and then let gone off. It has taught me that criticism is healthy, accept it! Some people say it to drag you down the ladder but use it to climb higher from where you already are. I honestly dread getting up early in the morning for school, but I’m going to miss the school prayer, how can I forget that awful music they play in the morning before assembly begins? The national anthems we sang every Thursday, the school song, the pledge and all of those other things our assembly consists of. I’m going to miss preparing dances for talents day, house day and every other event. I remember how back in the junior grades all of us used to be like, last day in school and then end up in school for the next year but this time, we’re actually saying last day of school because it’s practically the last day in school, EVER. (Oh crap, words are stinging me.) I really believe that all of us are definitely student of the year! With the trophy or without. (This should have been in my speech...)

We’re all literally like a family, we know everything about each other even if we don’t talk to each other and still we’re there for each other. I’m going to miss random checking, I’m going to miss dancing and singing like a freaking maniac in the recess. I’m going to miss being on the lawns of IHS performing for republic day or putting up a stall. I’m going to miss going to the staff room for some work and then ending up with more work. I’m going to miss the three bells we hear after recess and still being outside class. I’m going to miss the canteen samosas, kachoris, pizza’s and chocolate milk. I’m going to miss asking for money to eat in the canteen from practically everyone outside the canteen. I’m going to miss fighting in class over the ridiculous things and the next day forgetting everything like nothing ever happened. I’m definitely going to miss teaching the class and making presentations and talking and then the teachers asking me to shut up, lol. Wow, that’s a lot. 

My lovely juniors did such a wonderful job on the farewell we had, everyone had tears that’s when I actually realized like realization dawned upon me, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M WEARING A SAREE! The last time I need to go shopping for a saree, the last time ever I’m going to be all decked up. They say nothing’s forever and it has been justified. In the last two years as the senior most students, I have learned so much. I just want everyone to know, never ever be upset over anything, it’s not worth it! Always be optimistic, if a situation seems to be the worse ever too, find the optimism in it, find the joy in it. I’m going to miss the bus parties, celebrating birthdays in school, the medical checkups, screaming in class when the nurse comes to call us for vaccinations.

A huge shout out to all my teachers, chachas, all the aunties, my supervisors throughout my school life, my teachers who have been the best, always so caring so supportive, always been so motivating, for never losing faith in me ever! And last but definitely not the least, my friends all of them, the ones who are still on bitter notes with me, the ones I do not talk to anymore, the ones I spend almost every day with, all of you guys are the best! I literally have no idea how to put in words how much all of this means to me.

This is probably just part one of this blog post, I’m going to have tons more to right about after convocation so until then…

Cycle of thoughts

There's more to it than what actually meets the eye, a sentence probably of least importance to many of us but so powerful in all it's words. What's meant to be, is meant to be but what isn't meant to be, wouldn't happen, irrespective of our thousand efforts. I'm probably not even talking to the point, what's all this jumbled sentences that don't even co relate to one another? Just my thoughts all in a confused state spinning in my head. (Lol?). Anyway getting back to what I was saying, sometimes you seek attention from the one you like/love, your family, but their just not giving you it. Oh you know, I'm telling you what's wrong, like putting it all in front of you, for you to open your God damn eyes and see, but you're just not taking it! What a feeling that is indeed. (Please note the horrible amount of sarcasm in the preceding sentence, thanks.)

Undoubtedly I use his platform to vent my mixed feelings. When you spend a lot of time with a person, you eventually can judge whether they're genuinely beautiful or not and by beautiful I do not mean looks. At that point of time, you know whether the person really is beautiful or not. There's more to the world than just looks, otherwise no one would give a single damn about losing faith in humanity now would they? There's more to life than mini skirts, getting drunk, partying, bitching, making fun of others, beauty pageants. Because when you grow old, your looks are going to disappear eventually (unless you get a plastic surgery done, then again there's recession).

Someone would be sitting and crying for you to notice them and you don't even know about it, but you the one whose crying is too scared to even let open your feelings. So what exactly are you crying for? Is it that person fault that he/she doesn't notice you? It isn't love, it isn't, the person doesn't even know you're wasting your time on them. A lot of people think I'm pretty jobless, as they put it, to sit and construct a blog post, I for a matter of fact get that quite a lot, but not like it's affecting their lives is it? I'm not wasting your time, I'm wasting my own time. You probably make fun of what I write, think it's not worth your time to sit around and read a bunch of crap sentences, so don't. Am I forcefully asking you to do so?

And I would like to close by quoting something that will always remain with me, as John Green put it in his book 'Looking For Alaska'. "What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.” Does not relate to anything I've said about, but definitely has a lot of significance.

Stupidity.

Been long since I wrote something….

How is it that people are SO concerned about other people’s life, I mean why do you care about what’s happening in someone else’s life, why can you not just take care of your own shit for once. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean and sometimes they say thing that can really affect another person. Have you ever been through such a time where you feel so broken, so broken that you really don’t know what to do anymore? You know, that time when you’re telling yourself it’s going to be okay, it’s going to come to an end soon, the bad times that is, but you’re really unsure about when that time is going to come and that’s when you don’t know what to do. You’re surrounded by a lot of good people, good friends, a wonderful family, you want to communicate, let it all out but you don’t know how to. It’s like you’re in a freaking invisible box, no one else can see it, except for you and thus you cannot even ask for help. It’s similar to people who don’t know how to swim, you’re drowning, there is absolutely no one in the water except for you and it’s isolated, what to do? Can you ask for help? Screaming your lungs out to a place where there is no one is possibly the only thing you’re doing, but is it getting you somewhere? Is it creating a difference? No, not at all. 

Sometimes I wonder to myself, how is it that people can be so mean, so harsh. They don’t even think before speaking and then I tell myself, at one point of time, all this that you’re going through because of someone else, will come crashing down on them too, karma at its finest eh?

No one in this world is brave. No one in this world has the courage to speak the truth on other people’s face and thus they use anonymous questions and answer platforms to speak the harsh things, but while doing all of this my friend, do you realize HOW MUCH you’re hurting someone? I keep telling myself or rather everyone around me, be strong! Do not care about what other people say, people are going to talk. All that matters is what your closed ones think about you, but honestly who listens? I’m such a hypocrite myself, I tell other people to be strong, am I doing the same thing? I know my answer. We’re all hypocrites honestly, giving other people such damn good advice, but when it comes to following it ourselves, we never stick to our words (Get some fevicol in here, would you?)

Please excuse me for typos, thanks.

Kavya Menon.

For those of you who don’t know me at all, something that you should know before reading this is that I never tell anyone how I really feel about things, I’m the type of person who’d suppress these feelings within myself and prefer not telling people about them, so the following post is something which really sets me trembling. I never thought I’d be doing this but I really want to.

Back in fifth grade, when we as junior babies just enter the senior school, finding a seat in the bus is like the major challenge. The bus is already so full and then there’s like a whole bunch of new kids (what are we supposed to do? Sit on top of our senior’s heads?) So being the new kid, I eventually had no place to sit and no one even bothered offering a seat to me. After one whole year of struggling in the stupid bus, the seniors graduated. That’s when I met Kavya, who so kindly offered me to sit with her and her best friend. Since that very day, Kavya Menon was my best friend for life! Playing top 10, name place animal thing, rock paper scissors, eye spy and every possible game known to man was practically how we grew up. I wanted to always be like Kavya. I remember every single thing she used to do till date. I remember how she used to speak the entire textbook to me when she wasn’t even looking at it. If Kavya did something, I was her tail, copying her every single move. She used to use green pens to write headings, sometimes black. Underline that with red, write questions with black and answers with blue and I did the same. Kavya bought felt pens I did too. Thinking about these things now, I feel like such a copycat. At that point of time Kavya was my inspiration. I still remember the day I got to know I became the Ruby house captain, back in eighth grade, she was so happy for me and I was so happy to see her happy! Every year since fifth I tried for the council, didn’t get in and cried in the bus, Kavya was there to console me. She always told me don’t give up! There’s a next year. I remember how Kavya used to pack me auntie’s delicious curd rice separately because I loved it so much. She was good with everyone be it her juniors, her seniors, cats, dogs, teachers, everyone! She got along with everyone so well.

Our friendship reached the turning point when she shifted. Well obviously resulted in changing buses. I begin to see less of Kavya as she was in a different class. We saw each other in the hallways once in a while and that was it, but nothing changed, she was still my best friend. Then there was a point when we stopped talking completely. I got new friends. I wanted to share all of secrets with her but that wasn’t even minutely possible. This turning point where I lost contact with her completely hurts me till date.

Kavya became the head girl in tenth grade. Believe it or not, happiest day of my entire life. She did not attend investiture ceremony to collect her batch. On my birthday, my supervisor told me to go back home because she felt my dress was inappropriate. Kavya was so sad that day. She kept saying, how is wearing a dress a problem? How can someone do that to a birthday girl? 

My hands are shivering writing this, my vision blurry because my eyes are filled with tears. I cannot get myself to believe Kavya isn’t next to me right now. I miss going to her house to play monkey ladder, ahh those days. I loved that monkey ladder so much! I still have all the cards and gifts Kavya gave me for all of my birthdays. Her handwriting was so beautiful; she always used to write her n’s so differently. The first time I ever received a cake in school was with Kavya. She threw this cute little surprise in the bus. I never had a surprise, nor had anyone get me cake before that, felt so nice. 

I was writing my maths unit test when I heard our supervisor screaming, the next thing I know, Kavya’s being taken to the hospital for going through fits. Praying for her to get better, lighting candles for her, hoping with all might she came back to school, but no news. Then one day, the most horrifying news came. Well, I felt broken, so broken. Never felt so much pain in my life. Memories of us racing in my head. Kavya made me hear my first English song, Uncle John from Jamaica- Venga Boys. If there is someone I miss more than anything in this world, it will be her. She might not be with us right now, but she’ll always be in our hearts at least in mine. I think apart from not getting into the council this year if there was something that made me really sad, it would be losing Kavya.

I have never cried the way I cried on the day our school arranged a memorial for Kavya. Listening to people speak about her. As Usha aunty said, “Kavya was a fighter.” She definitely was. I can keep writing on and on about what Kavya meant to me and about every single time we spent together, but I did not realize I reached my second page on Ms word while writing. So I’m going to take your leave now.

To be or not to be...

I have no idea as to why that is the title to this but I hope you guys can relate. Do comment on how you like it, share it for me too!

So there’s this girl, she has family problems, she has limited amount of friends who think she’s happy and content with her life and that there is nothing wrong with her life at all but what they don’t know is that there is practically nothing right in her life. What they don’t know is that the pain in her life might be immense but she’s just smiling it off. So how do people not know about her problems you ask? How does not even a single person have a clue as to what in the name of God is happening in her life? Well that’s really simple, she does not throw around her problems at other people who firstly don’t care and secondly, well there is no secondly because the first explains it all. She’s mature enough to comprehend and understand that there is no one in this world who cares about her problems. You know we might think that the person who we confide in actually gives a shit about our problems but you never know when things can change. This world we live in is so judgmental, so fake, so full of shit and filled with pretence that it’s really hard to understand the difference between actors who perform on stage and actors in real life; the line of difference is so thin.

So you know how some people keep posting statuses about their depressed life and try to gain attention that is probably the most annoying thing ever. Please help me understand how people take her bullshit every single day. I mean don’t you get tired of it. I can give you three reasons as to why you shouldn’t throw your problems around at people like that: one, nobody cares. Two, nobody cares and three, NOBODY CARES! So baam! There you go. I’m so sick of people going like, “aww baby what happened do you need something, some advice or maybe a hug? Tell me everything” and then they’re like all ears to you, yeah that moment when you know it’s so fake that freaking Barbie looks real. So okay you trust her/him and you tell them everything because you know you can confide to them and guess what happens next! Someone who you doesn’t even talk to you goes like, “Hey did this happen to you?” and you know you want to punch that person’s face but you calm yourself and pretend that nothing happened because you’re stupid, because you think it makes you “THE BIGGER PERSON”.

 

When you start liking someone, a huge part of you can get disappointed pretty easily because of something horrible they do to you or even the smallest thing they do can easily affect you in either way, be it positive or negative. You let yourself be controlled by someone who you’re not even sure likes you or not. That’s the problem with us, we get so attached to someone and then it’s all gone, like it never really existed. Ever been in a situation where you were so close to someone for such a long time and then you drift away? Relationships play such a major role in our life, it’s all about them. Some good relationships, some bad but they’re all a part of you. So coming back to what I was saying, sometimes we get so attached to someone that if you don’t talk to them for a day, things around you seem to be so gloomy. It’s like they’re your only priority. 

Don’t let someone control you, you know play with your emotions etc because when they leave you have no idea how painful that is. When they leave you feel upset, depressed, like you’ve lost meaning to life, you have no one to love, don’t let that happen. Deep down always remember whatever happens, happens for a reason. Remember, if your still unhappy then the end hasn’t come yet to that chapter of your story. Life goes on, time waits for none so get up, think about creating a difference in this big fat stupid world. Try to change for the better, be a brighter and joyful person because when you’re happy everything around you is happy too!

It's about time we change.

I absolutely have no idea how I’ve become so slothful but summers tend to spoil me! Oh you know how it goes, the months long vacations, the beautiful colors, the bright sun (Though it gets really annoying in this desert, I can fry an egg on my head after stepping out for 10 minutes literally!), the tempting new flavors of ice cream and so much more! All in all, a beautiful encounter. So yeah, I finally decided to write something and here I am! Ever looked at your parents and wondered how do they exactly do this and by this I mean, office. Get up in the morning, spend 7 to 9 hours in a closed cubicle with no source of entertainment what so ever and repeat it the next day again (Such a boring routine!) This summer bought me the experience of working in an office environment and believe me; I couldn’t handle it for a month! But it was an experience I know I wouldn’t forget. Some days I got up all excited to go to work and when the pressure built and the work load increased, I wanted to just curl up in my bed and sleep. So easily said and done by us teenagers, isn’t it? But on a very serious note, step into your mothers or fathers shoes for a day and see it from their point of view, if they took work as casually as we did, how would they take care of us? Give us all the luxuries in the world there is, everything we ask for us is given to us. Don’t you think it is time we take things seriously too? They as parents have responsibilities, taking care of us for years, seeing us grow into humans that change the world is the only dream they have. All they want is to see us smile and we, so careless and carefree, never care to ask them how they are, if things are good with them. Appreciate them for all they have done for us. Something that really hit me while doing this internship was that our parents work so hard to earn the money they spend on our tuition fee and we don’t have the courtesy to study for them, if not for us. Imagine what would be going in that parent’s head whose son failed a year, who was so rebellious, who was so arrogant. His son wouldn’t have realized the pain his father is going through because of the money that just went down the drain. Now as a teenager, a child, you wouldn’t realize the worth of the money that he is paying ALL OVER AGAIN, just to fund your education, so that one day you fund his medicines. So why not just study, what else do we have to do in life right now that is so much more important than making our parents happy? Your social life? If that’s the answer to the question I just asked, then please slap yourself or wait, I’m coming with my chappal. Your social life is just a phase, which will end eventually, you definitely wouldn’t be going for parties when you 55 and then let me know how many friends from your “oh-so-great social life” are sitting next to you in the hospital. Just day before yesterday I was reading a chapter in a book called ‘Angels and Demons’ by Dan Brown, a lot of you must have heard of it and a lot more of you must have read it, a line from that entire book is the only thing that still lingers in my brain, imagine how much impact that line had on me then! Dan Brown expressed beautifully, “Nothing attracts human attention than human tragedy.” This line isn’t relevant to anything I just mentioned above in my rant, but I still wanted to share it and close my post with this. It might not be relevant to what I said above, but it is definitely relevant to how life is today. Think about it.